A picture's worth a thousand words, no a thousand feelings

It's true. I just saw pictures from a wedding my family attended two weeks ago. I was stunned to see how big I am. You have an image of yourself in your head, but until you are actually forced to look at a real picture and face reality, that image stands. I don't feel obese. Well, I mean, I feel obese when I'm winded after walking my dog up the hill in our backyard. I feel obese when my jeans cut off the circulation to my gut. I feel obese when I can't get into yoga poses I used to be able to do with ease.  Otherwise I stick by the image of myself at 155 pounds. Ha, and can you believe I thought I was fat then?! I would KILL to be that weight right now. KILL.

And do you know what I did this morning, after viewing the wedding slideshow? I took a few of those wedding pictures, copied them to a Word document and circled the parts of my body I didn't like. I printed it, clipped it, folded the piece of paper up and stuck in my wallet. My thought being that if I'm debating between, let's say, baby carrots and cake, I'll reference the piece of paper with the fat pictures and chose the baby carrots. There's gotta be something wrong with this, but at this moment it's the best punishment I can come up with for how fat I am.

I'm about halfway through Big Brother by Lionel Shriver, and it's very appropriate right now because the two main characters are undertaking a radical diet. I'm so tired of diets and thinking about diets and considering diets. I just don't know what to do.